I don’t do nearly as much reading as I used to. In order for me to read something all the way through nowadays, I have to be transfixed. Captivate me. Make me think. Challenge me. Throw me into the fray right alongside the hero. When I write, it is no different. Whether you love it or hate it, I want you to feel something when you read it. I want to share what I see with you, whether it’s pretty or ugly.
So, why haven’t you heard from me lately? Is it because Moonrise Kingdom just came out on DVD, and I’ve been holed up watching it on constant loop? No [although that is an excellent guess if you know me well at all]. Is it because I’ve been working on a masterpiece to rival all previous blogs? As a matter of fact. . . no.
I haven’t written lately for the precise reason I should have: my life has been challenging and exciting, exhilarating and heartbreaking, romantic and infuriating. There has been so much fodder for creativity in this emotional tour de force that I should be crowding your inboxes. But I have been painfully silent.
For that, I apologize. I am careful to avoid details on these posts that may make others uncomfortable, and the situations themselves are nothing unique to human beings. But the honest truth, nonetheless, is that my life has hurt lately. It has made me angry, and it has confused me to no end. I have been knocked off my feet, cried many an ugly-cry, eaten too many things that weren’t good for me, and listened to the saddest folk music imaginable. But, amidst the maelstrom, I noticed something.
I was still waking up each day, still going to a job and coming home to an apartment, and still surrounded by the love of God, and the people he has given me to talk to, buy me beer, and bake me cookies. My life has managed to keep going, despite my complete uncertainty of how it will do so, or where it will take me along the way.
I recently watched an incredible film, two days in a row, that came onto my radar at the right time. In Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (for the Elderly and Beautiful), the owner of the hotel says, “In India, we have a saying: everything will be alright in the end. So if it is not alright, it is not yet the end.” Thanks for the knowledge bomb, Focus Features. I sat there on the couch, ruminating. Curses, I thought, I have officially been indie-schooled.
Even crazier was the thought that, not only would things eventually change for the better, but that there were already so many things in my life that had. When I stopped and began to think about it, I realized it very clearly. I slightly amended Joe’s little prayer in Joe vs. the Volcano tonight as I was winding down for the evening: “Dear God . . . thank you for my life.”
This doesn’t mean I’m loving every minute. There are still things I regret, and things I would change in a second if I could. There are moments when I wish I was a different person, and entire days where I want to be in a different place. My insides are still a whirlwind. I’m lucky if I can utter a clear “Lord, have mercy” some days. But it’s my life, I’m glad I have one, and I’m doing the best I can with it.
To everyone who has loved and supported me this past month, near and far, I say thanks. To everyone who has taught me with their silence, I say thanks. And to all of you who have allowed me to be myself, even at its most frazzled, I owe you big time.
Thank you all for listening. Next time I won’t wait so long to tell you more.