(5) notifications

Kimmie blogged about Facebook yesterday. And, since all people in wheelchairs are pretty much the same, I thought I would follow suit. Today’s discussion? Facebook Pet Peeves.

Before I begin needlessly passing judgement concerning how others use their free time, I won’t be shy in telling you this: I love Facebook. I am an “OG of the FB” [That’s right. If Facebook was Long Beach, I would be Snoop Dogg.] And I am not planning on having one of those “cathartic” experiences where I ditch Facebook for 30 days, only to use the Internet to document every moment of my loneliness.

As a matter of fact, some may call me “That Girl” when it comes to Facebook, I have a high friend count, not all of whom I know or talk to on a regular basis; I have the app on my phone, and I use the term “Facebook” as a verb. [In fact, there is a page for this blog, which I maintain to give myself some semblance of a job. “Like” it?]

There are tweets, books, articles, and angry rants about people like me. But even I have some sense of etiquette: which brings me to

Your Notifications: 5 Things Everyone on Facebook Should Stop Doing Right Now



Living in Pretend-Magic-Imaginary-Funland

Simply put, if you are going to play games on Facebook, stay away from anything with any of the following suffixes: “Town”, “Ville”, or “Land”. These places are not real, and they do not do anything to enhance your social skills, which is [allegedly] what Facebook is there to do. It is a Social Networking Tool. Not an “Annoy Everyone to No End by Asking Them to Irrigate Your Imaginary Corn Field” Tool.

Purging Friends

Okay. So I understand the principle behind the “Friend Purge” [“those people aren’t really your friends” “you don’t even know them”, etc.] But the thing is, I have actually successfully used Facebook to make friends, and to rekindle and maintain relationships. So, it is true that I am not talking to every single friend all day long. But, after however many years of having Facebook, why uproot things? Here are a couple other problems I have with “unfriending”:

  • The idea of “purging” human beings just does not have good social or historical connotations.
  • It takes too much time.
  • It seems mean.

Being Passive Aggressive & Otherwise Obnoxious in Your Status Updates

You’ve all seen them. The backhanded, emotionally manipulative status updates. It is hurtful and mean and does not make you attractive, and I would suggest avoiding it at all costs. If your status was going to start with “Some People” and/or end with “You know who you are”,  you are probably better off posting a sad kitty photo or an Emo song lyric instead.


step away from the brand-ambiguous computer, buddy

You may remember from my discussion on concerts that I do not love a Drunkypants. Unfortunately for me, they abound on Facebook, and for some reason are allowed near a keyboard. Trust me, your unflattering blurry photo and grammatically abhorrent status give you away. If you’re the ‘going out’ type, have a glass of water and a nice brisk walk before you make your status decisions.

Merging Terrible FWD Emails with Status Updates to Create a Chain Letter-esque Explosion of Awful

imagine my twofold delight and creeped-outness when i discovered ‘FWD’ actually stands for Family Worship Destination

Okay. I love Jesus. And abandoned puppies. And sick children. And anything else that can tug at the ‘ole heartstrings. And I have participated in the occasional awareness campaign. I am not totally sans feeling. But I don’t appreciate feeling like I have to successfully copy/paste in order to be a Christian, prove that I’m a good friend, or prove that I care about someone or something.

Basically, avoid anything that looks like this: “Jesus said “If you deny me before man, I will deny you before my Father in Heaven.” Repost this as your status, and God will bless you with 12 virgins and a Corvette.” [props to Jonni Greth for his perfect status satire.]

Let’s be honest, if you ‘repost this as your status’, there will probably be little consequence, other than everyone on your friends list having the sudden desire to make you the subject of their drunken passive aggressive status update, before removing you as their Farmville neighbor, and unfriending you forever.

Consider yourself warned.


3 thoughts on “(5) notifications

  1. Pingback: 12 virgins & a Corvette [song] | In Case of Fire, Use Stairs

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