imaginary [more-than]friends


Before I begin, each of you should prepare to have your thunder stolen, your bubble burst, your parade rained on, and for any other cliche outcome involving sudden unwelcome feelings of disbelief.

I am single.

There, the worst is over. Feel free to take a moment to collect yourselves.

Sometimes this is a drag: like when I’m out with a group of friends, all my friends in relationships are sitting around complaining about the people they’re in relationships with. In those moments,  things can get a little uncomfortable. I am forced to say something like, “Sorry, I just don’t feel qualified to contribute to this conversation.”

But most of the time, flying solo is pretty all right.  I can take this time to learn about myself and others, and can put my hands up when Beyonce tells me to do so.

When you combine my ‘status’ with my tendencies as a writer, there is a very potent result. Turns out, I am good at being single and making stuff up. So why not combine the two? I figure there are plenty of guys out there who wouldn’t mind being my beau, so why not aim high and forget about the technicalities like whether or not they actually know I exist? Sounds healthy to me.

To console myself in the onslaught of certain mid-Febraury observances-and as a beacon of hope to my fellow ‘single ladies’-I offer you a few very good candidates* for your next boyfriend.  [*Never mind suspension of disbelief and disregard for the laws of time and space that will be necessary: anything for love, right?]

Meet Paul.

Paul enjoys music, being on the beach, and being a brilliant songwriter. He is passionate about animal rights, and a variety of other causes.

Pros: Looks, Charm, English accent, Quirky Humor, Excellent Taste in Friends

Cons: Likes to cross the street barefoot.

Meet Gene.

Gene loves to dance and sing, often at the same time. He is an actor, director, and choreographer in his “spare time”.

Pros: Dazzling smile, Dapper, Dripping with Charm, in Better Shape Than Anyone Else You Know

Cons: He gets unreasonably enthusiastic about inclement weather.

Meet Jack.

Jack lives in Nashville. He enjoys collecting vinyl, being mysterious, and starting bands.

Pros: Cool, Talented, Quirky, Hangs out with Conan O’Brien

Cons: Well, he’s a bit odd.

Meet Johnny.

Johnny enjoys traveling, swashbuckling, and comparing ravens to writing desks. He is the pride of Bowling Green, Kentucky.

Pros: Perfect Bone Structure, Versatile Actor, Excellent Party Guest

Cons: There’s a lot of competition for this one.

Meet John Clayton.

John likes tattoos, strutting, and speaking obtusely. He has made a career out of soul-searching, brutal honesty, and well-expressed introspection.

Pros: A Voice that Can Melt Your Heart on Contact, Pretty Hair, Mad Bluesman Skillz, Rockstar Attitude

Cons: Somewhat Lacking in Social and Relationship Skills, Rockstar Attitude

So, there you have it. My go-to guys when I need to be charmed, cheered, and otherwise entertained. Of course, we should keep both our feet on the ground. But it’s okay to stargaze every now and then, I think.

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