The 5 Worst Christmas Songs in the Universe


Source: Esquire

Source: Esquire

I love Christmas. I look forward to it every year. Not only for the beauty of the liturgical services, but for the time with loved ones and copious amounts of chocolate-covered/chocolate-filled delicacies. And the mulled wine.

However, I have to admit that even I, the Cindy Lou Who of my household, have an impish side when it comes to Christmas. There is one thing about it that gets under my skin faster than you can say Mount Crumpet.

There are certain songs played during the holiday season- some of them ‘favorites’- that annoy me to no end. I have tried, in the name of Peace and Goodwill Toward Men, to embrace these songs, but I have found enjoying them to be literally impossible [unless what you enjoy is making me miserable]. So, there is only one logical solution: to spread my disdain and snarkiness to you.

Let’s get in the spirit of the season, shall we? Here are the 5 worst Christmas songs in the Universe, in order from Least-to-Most Horrible:

5. Celebrate Me Home (Kenny Loggins)

Leave it to the ever-prolific Kenny Loggins to find a way to blend Holiday Spirit with teleportation and time travel. I know you might be tempted to be a little resentful of me for putting the man responsible for “Return to Pooh Corner” in my hall of shame. But, if Little Drummer Boy isn’t sacred [see below], what is? I mean, the guy has turned Celebration from a pleasant set of experiences to some kind of Mortal Kombat Fatality Move [CELEBRATE HIM!]

Just quit whining and carpool like the rest of us, Kenny.

4. The Chipmunk Song (Alvin and the Chipmunks, and Dave)

Chipmunk voices [and the fact the song and video make them all look like little ingrates] aside: I am consistently disappointed that a Hula Hoop is the best thing Alvin can come up with. Seriously? Dude. It’s a circle made out of plastic. And, lest we forget, Alvin is a chipmunk, so a commercial-size hoop would not work for him. It would be much more economical for Dave to just give him one of those plastic 6-pack rings and tell him to go nuts. Get a life, Alvin. And be careful with those plastic rings. Think of the ducks.

3. Hey, Santa (Carnie and Wendy Wilson)

The worst thing about this song is that I don’t know the words, or even the general melody, well enough to stop it from its sneak attack. By the time it gets to the obnoxious, high-pitched, shouting-match-style chorus, it’s too late. I have had no time to prepare for it, and can no longer fully avoid it. It is the ninja of annoying Christmas songs.

2. Little Drummer Boy (Traditional, performed by Jessica and Ashlee Simpson)

Saying nothing of this particular version, which has its own unique ability to drive me bonkers, (for two related reasons), this song in general is one of the most annoying combinations of music and lyrics EVER. Anyone could have written this. I like to sometimes add my own verses. You can do it, too. Just state in a very simplistic way what you’re doing, and then follow that with ‘Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum’.

Example: “I’m writing you a blog, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum, about annoying songs, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum. . .”

If you want to stay true to the model set forth in the song, repeat this pattern as many times as it takes to make your friends and relatives want to bang their heads on the nearest wall.

1. Do They Know It’s Christmas? (Band-Aid)

I hate this song.

I say this is the Worst Christmas Song in the Universe, but it might be the Worst Song in the Universe, period. It is horrible, awful, nauseating, totally lacking in imagination, terrible, and soul-sucking. Forget the Grinch, this song actually stole Christmas. Forget Scrooge, it was actually this song that did not care about cute little differently-abled Tiny Tim. This song is the worst thing I have ever heard and probably will ever hear.

I could have written this entire blog all about every reason for my loathing of this particular song. First, there’s the “feed the world” command they chant at the end, which is more guilt-inducing than motivational if you’re listening over your Honeybaked Ham.

Then, there’s the incredibly patronizing tone of the lyrics. Of course “they” know it’s Christmas, and “they” probably don’t appreciate you insinuating that just because “they” do not receive wintry precipitation, “they” do not understand the meaning of the Holiday, and can therefore not experience a full and happy life.

Don’t get me wrong, I am as much of a Bleeding-Heart as the next guy. I understand helping others is important. But perhaps we should start by helping one another not write horrible [and more than slightly racist] songs in the name of Christmas.

This song is so terrible, even the writer agrees with me that it is “one of the worst songs in history“. 

Just sayin’.

Okay, enough of this. These songs are infuriating me all over the place. I have to go pop in some Sufjan Christmas records to restore my faith in holiday-media. I think I have time for at least one rotation before Scrooged starts.

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9 thoughts on “The 5 Worst Christmas Songs in the Universe

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  4. I don’t know about Little Drummer Boy. The new version by Pentatonix is quite good. But you make a good point about the lyrics. I prefer the more traditional carols and hymns overall. Modern Christmas songs don’t really do it for me.

    For me it’s anything from the Boney-M Christmas album, to which I was overexposed while working in a butchery over one Christmas season while still at school. It was the only cassette tape (it was that long ago) in the place and we went through it at least five times a day for the two weeks leading up to Christmas.

    Like

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