I seem to have come to an all way stop.
Yield to pedestrians? No problem.
The thing is- it’s not that there is a shortage of directions for me to go. I have some volunteer work I’m doing, and opportunities for more as the year goes on. I have friends that want to connect me with others for work. There is a fellowship, that, if I can somehow completely dominate the mega-intimidating application, would be a great leap to take. There are always wonderful people calling, coming by, and sharing their lives and latte recommendations with me. I am blessed, richly.
I struggle with my emotions. I mean, who doesn’t, right? It’s as if they are all clamoring for my attention, shouting at full volume: gratitude, envy, fear, guilt, loneliness, passion, joy, silliness- all of them vying for my time, and it just makes me want to go to the corner and cover my ears. La la la! I’m not listening!
Then there are the choices about my career- how to invest my time: writing? volunteering? fundraising? consulting? job searching? Of course all these things, to some degree, are already demanding my time. I feel like Mike Teavee- one of the punk kids from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It’s as if I, too, have been shrunk to way-tininess and forced to work things out in the clutches of the taffy puller.
There are well-meaning voices on all sides, including inside, raising their voices in concert: Beth, go this way. Beth, go that way. Beth, go everywhere at once.
It all sounds so loud. There isn’t anything symphonic about it.
Life isn’t simple. But it seems like simplicity is the only sane approach. The thing is, you don’t have to always go in the same direction all the time. But there’s no way you can really go down more than one path at once, not if you expect to adequately appreciate the beauty- and avoid the dangers- of both. The trick is -cliche alert- taking things one day at a time. Today, go here. Tomorrow, go there. If we try to go everywhere, full speed, every day, we spin in circles.
I’ve always been ready to go, and that hasn’t changed. I just have no idea where.