balancing: act?


“Nothing to do

Nowhere to be

A simple little kind of free

Nothing to do

No one but me

It isn’t really hard to see

Why I’m perfectly lonely

I’m perfectly lonely

Perfectly lonely, yeah

Cause I don’t belong to anyone

And nobody belongs to me.”

– “Perfectly Lonely”, John Mayer

*

Every one of us, attached or not, knows what it’s like to be single.

It isn’t the worst thing in the world by any means. I am very happy and thankful for my life- and am blessed to have learned volumes and grown by leaps and bounds as an independent lady! I have never been in a serious relationship, so I have had many years to learn (continually) about how to be happy with who I am and what I do have, rather than what I am “missing” (relatively speaking), or what other people have.

There is an understanding in those words that contentment and lonliness are not- as our statistics books may phrase it- mutually exclusive. Recent situations have reminded me just how true that is with matters of my own heart. It happens all the time: I meet someone wonderful, things seem to be moving along nicely, and then one, tiny, amoeba-sized thing happens and either I’m searching the Internet for china patterns, or thumbing through my Damien Rice collection looking for the perfect anthem to echo my desolation. What happened to Normalville? I was on my way there: how can one tiny thing send me reeling off the road?!

For an analogy, consider a scale. One one side is the carefree, happy romantic me that enjoys her bi-quarterly viewing of You’ve Got Mail. On the other, the insecure, somewhat jaded, perpetually single “best buddy” of heterosexual males. In most situations, the scales are balanced. But add a circumstance the weight of a feather on either side, and the scales tip all the way in that direction. One kind word or gentle smile, and I’m all optimism. One aloof moment, and I’m convinced that I am doomed to a life of isolation and spinsterhood, with only my emaciated felines to console me.

It is possible, where the Heart is concerned, for me to maintain a sense of balance.

But must it be so delicate? How can I be still? The whole world is spinning.

*

“And she walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land,  just like she’s walking on a wire in the circus…” – Round Here, Counting Crows

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3 thoughts on “balancing: act?

  1. As I hope I was able to assure you last night, you are not alone in feeling this way. I can understand that from your point of view it may seem different since you still have not had the opportunity to be in a serious relationship; however, the uncertainty is always present whether you’ve yet to experience love or have loved and lost. None of us can ever guarantee what’s going to happen when it comes to matters of the heart. The best any of us can do is continue fighting to keep our hearts open to the possibilities, which is sometimes easier said than done.
    You are one of the most amazing people I know and I have no doubt that you are NOT doomed to a life of spinsterhood. Should that end up being the case, however, there’s always a chance I’ll be joining you and we can be the two coolest spinsters to ever live (read: NOT Miss Haversham, et. al.).
    <3!!!

    Like

  2. You know what was funny. When Battle Studies came out I had JUST entered into a relationship, and was a little disappointed that I didn’t have the wonderful heartbreak anthems to console me before! But to keep in the theme of John Mayer’s beautiful prose,

    “I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
    Free to roam, made a home
    Out of everywhere I’ve been
    Then you come crashing in
    Like the realest thing
    Trying my best to understand
    All that your love can bring”

    And it goes just like that. I pined for my boyfriend for a year and a half. And I really had come to accept the fact that there was never gonna be an “us”. He was the prime motivation to move me out here. Everyone else didn’t want to see me go. He drove me with me 2,224 miles to my new life. A week he stayed with me while I settled in. And just before he left, he finally let it be known that he too had become attached. Like me he had seen to many friends come and go, and made it clear our friendship would last a lifetime. And that was that, I saw him off at the airport, for each of us to continue our own lives down our own paths. But something strange happened. When I wasn’t expecting it at all. I was too busy trying to mend my broken heart to realize that slowly but surely he was falling for me to. Late nights on the phone, fall asleep to the sound of each others voices, and… BOOM! He came crashing in, like the realest thing. So yes, I am finally have the boyfriend I never thought I would. The only one I ever wanted, and was sure I would never have.

    But the thing is… single or not… our hearts are still that fragile. Any little thing, any feather, and my scale is tipped just like yours. I think they call that… estrogen. Hahaha. Really though, the heart has a mind of its own sometimes, and a fickle mind it is. Taken or single, the heart will still play its little games, leaving you either singing praise from the rooftops, or broken down and disheveled in a dark lonely corner. And I’m pretty sure that the games continue through the rest of our lives. The key is to know, what I think you already do. That no matter what the outcome, no matter what your relationship or marital status may be, you are… you. That’s one thing that will never change. And if you can find happiness in that simple fact, which I know you already have, you are golden. And one day someone will come along who will see you in those most fragile states, the aftermath of those tricky heart games. He’ll laugh, and smile, and love you regardless of the delicateness of the balance of your heart. It’s true, I promise.

    Just remember
    “Lonely was the song I sang
    Till the day you came
    Showing me another way
    And all that my love can bring”

    Like

  3. Make that 3 cool spinsters. I read your blog and I can really relate, it is kind of like a rollerocaster of emotions, one moment on top of the world, the next reaching for a bag of salt and vinegar chips and watching Dr. Phil. I currently am single and I too find that wonderful partner elusive, he keeps slipping through my fingers and I can’t help but wonder if it is what I am putting out there to men that seems to say…don’t take me seriously. I have to be honest, I am not sure I have ever experienced a deep founded love for another man, I seem to live in a world constructed by others and live within their confines…time to change!
    Keep writing, you are good at it.

    Like

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