for those of you just tuning in, i have been pursuing an application to a doctoral program. i found out today my GRE test scores are not high enough for my application to be considered. since it is so close to the deadline and review period for the applications, being able to submit a complete application for review does not seem to be a viable option anymore.
aside from the general sense of shock and disappointment, this was a huge blow to my ego and my self- confidence. the phd was already a significantly different life path, but it was one i had become comfortable with and began to place hope in, given the nature of the job market- and the fact that academics has always been an area of strength for me.
i feel like the past few months i have been pursuing this have been a waste of time. all the time and thought i have invested in this could have been placed in the job search, or even in my creative expression, which has suffered dearly recently.
i am embarrassed. i would have been just plain disappointed if i submitted but wasn’t accepted. but the crossover to embarrassment comes when it turns out i’m not even good enough to be considered by these people. i am embarrassed i missed that bit of information which was probably printed in the application materials as plain as the nose on my face. and i am embarrassed to admit to you all to my family, my friends, my coworkers, and those who wrote such kind recommendations for me, that i can’t hack it.
so i have to start over at square one. i have to return to the loving arms of the job market. i have to re-reassess my life, my goals, and my plans. . . and on and on.
if the path life seems to direct you to leads you nowhere, you make a new path. but what if that path leads you nowhere. do you return to the original path hoping to see it in a different light, or do you cut your losses and head off in yet another direction?
my life seems to be making me restless and uncertain. it is definitely serving me dish after dish of humble pie and teaching me to plumb the depths of my patience and faith in providence. but more than anything right now, life seems to be wearing me out.
i am one tired little lady. not just outside tired, although that is often the case. inside tired. i feel like i have been striving and stretching, asking and seeking. i feel so ready to find- somewhere, someone, something for me to build a life with. you all can come out now. i give up. you can be “it”.
thank goodness for the promise of rest for the weary soul.
Lord, if you don’t mind, i think i’ll take you up on that.